Another Day, Another Breath

Hey everyone, 

I know that I have been MIA from blogging the last month and I apologize for that. It has been a crazy month. I have been going from Dr. to Dr. trying to figure out what is going on with my stage 3 kidney disease, trying to stay on top of my online schooling, trying to keep up with working 20+ hours a week, and just trying to stay up on my daily responsibilities. Every morning I wake up, it is definitely a battle trying to push myself out of bed each day to have enough energy to face each day. 

On top of all of these things that have been going on, there has been a lot that has challenged my faith. This last month was very dark for me Spiritually and I want to be completely open and honest about it. I started questioning my Faith a ton and I was questioning if I really thought of myself as a Christian. These questions started coming up when I felt that God did not care about me or my health. I felt as if God was ignoring me, I felt that He was just throwing a ton of things at me to do alone. Along with all of that, there were some individuals in my life who were being very abusive emotionally to me and not very Christ-like even though they would call themselves believers (some unbelievers were even kinder and more loving then some of these so-called Christians). My heart just felt constantly torn apart and I felt as though I did not know if I wanted to believe in God anymore. 

Deep down, I knew in my heart that I wanted God to be the Ultimate Ruler of my life... But why did I feel ignored by God? How could some Believers be so rude and nasty?.. And the list of questions go on. 

The last month, I have not wanted to go to church, I have completely stopped reading my Bible, praying, and I wanted really nothing to do with God. 

The last couple of days God has been really speaking to me. God really opened my eyes even though it was quite emotionally draining realizing it. I have realized that God really is here for me. He has not left my side at all. Even though I may not be getting the exact answers I want right now, He has still been here for me this whole time. God has not been ignoring me... He really does care. Also, God has been helping me realize that just because other Christians may be rude to me, does not mean that all Christians are like this. There are other Christians who are not so nasty, but that does not mean that all Christians are rude. 

With all of that said, even though this was a really dark past month for me. God has been helping me to realize that I need Him! I need Him and I cannot do life without Him. God is my refuge and even in troubling times He will help me get through it. 

I am writing this because I know that this will be really good to look back on. This is part of my journey and even though it seems messy... I know that it is a part of my testimony that will Lord Willing encourage others later down the road. My life is definitely not perfect, but I have a Father who is Perfect and who will help me through this journey. 

If you have gotten this far, I just want to encourage you to keep looking to Christ even when things get difficult. Some days may seem dark and as if you cannot go another day or breathe another breath... But let me tell you, I am a walking proof that you can make it another day. There have been many days I did not think I would make it one more second, but I am here to tell you that it is possible. It is very possible with God! Keep seeking Him!