My Story
Good evening everyone,
So sorry that it has been so long since the last time I have posted. I have been very busy with my health, with relationships, and with school. Also, I was praying and trying to figure out what I had wanted to write about next on my blog. After much prayer and asking around, I decided to write about my testimony. A few people know my testimony, but I have not shared it with many people. God put it on my heart to share with those who are reading this and I hope that it will encourage you. God has been doing a great work and continues to do a great work through me. Please be warned some of what I share is graphic and a lot of information. I pray that God would bless you and encourage you as you read my story and journey.
My Life Before Christ:
Growing up I grew up in a Christian home where I attended church weekly with my family. I was very rebellious growing up. Honestly, I just went through the motions, but I did not have a relationship with Christ. Let's be real, I could not wait to go to church weekly to spend time with my friends. During the sermons, all I remember was goofing off with my brother and friends. Everything mainly went in one ear and out the other. I did not enjoy anything about church except for the friendships I had. Some time when I was in Middle School, we had left our church due to some issues going on there. So my parents prayed hard about it and we went looking for another church family. We got down to two different churches and we did not know which one to stay at. 4 out of 5 our family members wanted to join a church in Riverside. And I wanted to join the other church that was closer to our house in Murrieta because I had more friends there. The church in Riverside I had no friends there and I did not want to have to make new ones. After my parents constantly praying about it, they decided to make the church in Riverside our new home church. After a few months of being there, God started to really work on my heart. I started actually listening to sermons and really enjoying church.
How Christ Opened my Eyes:
When I first started high school my mom and I joined a Bright Lights group (Bible Study), with some friends and their moms. One of the weeks, a young woman named, Becca. She shared her testimony and how the Lord grabbed her heart. Her life before Christ was so much like mine and God really opened my eyes. That night after the Bible study, I came home, sat my parents down and told my parents that I wanted to accept Christ into my heart. That night (November 15th, 2011), I accepted Christ into my heart.
My Life since Turning to Christ:
Throughout high school, I got really close to Christ. I was very extroverted and always wanting to do things with friends. However, in the middle of High School I really struggled. In my Sophomore year of High School, I was taking a class outside of my house with some of my closest friends. Some of my closest guy friends turned on me and started bullying me about my weight and my appearance. That was one of the hardest things that I had went through at this point. Some people that I was really close to, just turning against me randomly. We met with these young men and their parents and the guys denied ever hurting me, which was really hard. We decided to stay friends with these individuals, but slowly our friendships pretty much ended. The bullying did not stop... So after much prayer and consideration, we had dropped the class for my 5th year there.
Then my senior year of High School came and I just kept pressing on and trying to grow my relationship with the Lord. As I was finishing up High School, I had been experiencing being cyberbullied by a friend and his friends. On top of that, I got into an online relationship with a guy that my parents found out about after months of me and the guy talking... And I got in huge trouble. And then shortly after that, I dealt with a very close relative of mine being emotionally abusive to me and being very nasty on me. These things took a huge toll on my emotions and my way of thinking. I was trying to stay strong and not make a big deal about it. So I tried hiding the fact that I was really hurting. My hurt turned to raging anger on the inside and then manifested outwardly... I became very nasty to my immediate family and would isolate myself. During this time, I struggled with trusting God. And I also, during this time became a huge germaphobe. While I struggled with all of this, instead of running to others for help... I did the opposite and closed up. Because I did not lean on Christ and other during this time, I really struggled... After all of this going on, I started self harming myself. After awhile, my parents found out and had me start going to counseling for a few different things. Counseling really helped me... But I still struggled.. But I was doing a lot better. After awhile of counseling, I stopped for a little bit. Then came New Years Eve of 2015. We were about to enter the New Year and then everything hit me that night. I became so emotional and I had told a few friends that I had wanted to die. I told my friends not to tell anyone, but because we were young... Of course, my friend told their mom and they contacted my parents. When my parents confronted me, I was very angry at first with them and just closed up even more and then self harmed more. I started going back to counseling again and started really growing and working on myself.
Summer of 2016, I graduated from High School. And on July 24th, 2016 I got baptized. That was a great day. I was doing a lot better with my relationship with God. That Summer was really fun and very memorable. Then came Fall 2016, and I started my Freshman year of college at CBU. That was a crazy year, our family had moved from Murrieta to Riverside. That was a huge move for me, especially since all I knew was Murrieta. My first semester as a Freshman, I really had a bad relationship with my family and grew apart from them. At this time, I was in a low key relationship with a guy from my High School, but then one day after about a year of talking to him... He randomly left my life with no warning. That hurt me so badly. So I had become very secretive towards my family. I wanted to fill that void of feeling lonely with another relationship. I met a guy at CBU who was interested in talking to me, but I hid that from my family and met up with him on campus. Let's just say, I was almost raped by this guy and it became a huge Title IV issue. This situation really scared me and left me feeling even more alone than ever. I started going to two different counselors for this situation to help me heal and to help me grow closer to God during that time.
When the beginning of 2017 came around, my best friend of 8ish years we stopped being friends. This was very sudden and I did not think I would ever stop being friends with her. However, after all of that drama and after she had spread many rumors to some of my other friends (that I had lost in the midst of that), I was glad that God removed them all from my life. I saw that God had a better plan in opening up healthier friendships with other people. God had really saved me from being around some toxic friendships. During this time of losing some of my closest friends at the time, I did not have a good relationship with my parents at all and my relationships with my brothers was pretty crumby. After losing those friendships and struggling with family... I really struggled and hide from people again. I continued to self harm and just did not want to deal with any drama anymore. I just kept living in this craziness. During this time, I turned to one of my old online relationships. Things got really bad with him and it needed to be stopped. So I finally stopped talking to him. At this point, after all of this happened with friendships and stuff... I became VERY introverted.
Summer of 2017, I had the opportunity to go to Oklahoma for the first time to see my Biological brother, my Uncle and Aunt, and their family. It was so much fun and it really was a trip that made me grow in my relationship in the Lord. I was able to rethink how I was doing things back at home with my family. God really changed my heart. After that trip, I came back to California and continued in school, in my relationship with God and continued growing.
The beginning of 2018, God was really doing amazing things. He was growing some really amazing friendships in my life that had continually been drawing me closer to God. I was doing well in my year of college.
On February 3rd, 2018, came and little did I know that this was going to change my life. On this day, I woke up with some bumps that looked like hives on my legs. Shortly after, they did not look like hives any longer. These bumps started raising and looking really bad. My ankles started swelling and from my belly button down, my body started burning and it felt like someone was pouring bowling water on me. It became so painful over the next few days that I could not attend college classes. And then it got to the point where I was in so much pain I ended up in the ER. The Drs. did a ton of tests that night and by about 3am, they came to the conclusion that it was HSP (an Auto Immune disease). The Dr. told me that it could last from a couple of weeks up to a couple of months. So from February-the end of March, I was pretty much bed ridden and could barely walk. I was so bad that my mom had to help shower me, my brothers and dad had to help do my hair each day. My disease got so bad that even my hands were so swollen (I could barely hold a pencil or my phone at times). After missing a ton of classes due to my health, I had to Withdrawal from that school semester. At this point the Dr. told me to take it easy and he told me to be careful and that this disease can attack the kidneys. During this time, I really grew closer to God and kept looking to Him during this hard time.
At this time, I got back into contact with the relative that had before was very verbally abusive and I had decided to give her another chance in my life. After a little while of allowing her back into my life, she had gotten very abusive again and started telling me how much I did not matter and how much she self harms herself at the thought of me. And she told me that if I was the only person that she could live for, that she would kill herself because I was not worth it to her. After this happened, I was very hurt... So I had to remove her from my life until she decides to not be so nasty. It was not helping my in my life, so I had to do what was best for me.
At this same time, I really struggled with my relationship with my parents... So I had to continually try to be loving to them, while we were still not at the best place in our relationship.
During this time, I really struggled and I started struggling with a few eating disorders. I struggled a lot with how people and even close people to me continually mentioned things about my appearance and weight.. So I started starving myself or any time I would eat... I would throw that food up. After I realized that I would never be the size that I wanted even if I really tried... I started gorging myself and eating a ton. I hide this struggle from a lot of people. I hide it from my parents, a couple of my brothers, and everyone basically around me. After awhile of struggling with this, I shared with one of my best friends and my little biological brother. My little brother and one of my best friend's really helped me in this area of struggle and they helped keep me accountable for eating better.
When I got better from the HSP rash and swelling, I went back to working full time. While I started working, I started getting really bad lower back pain, throwing up a ton, and so many other symptoms... I did not think anything of it... I just continued working hard and always kept pushing through things. (Note: I have a very high pain tolerance, so when I complain about things... my parents know I am in REALLY bad pain). I started complaining to my parents about my pain, and then they told me that if the pain does not go away to go and see a Dr. Shortly after in the mid-Summer I had to have an eye Dr. appointment. Something I thought was not going to be a huge appointment, turned into a crazy appointment. The eye Dr. found saw a lot of inflammation behind the eye and got concerned... I got a brain MRI, lots of blood tests, etc. This led from one thing to another. Within the next few weeks, I had been to about five different dr.s (eye, joint, primary care, brain, and kidney Dr.) After many tests and results, I found out that I have IGA Nephropothy. (Stage 2 Kidney Disease).
After all of this, I really struggled... I started getting really angry at God. Because I found out that this is such a rare disease that they do not have any cures for it. So basically they were going to experiment different things on me. I was really angry with God. On the outside, I told people and my family that I was trusting God and looking to Him even through this health struggle. But really, I was very angry on the inside. I became so angry that I stopped praying and reading my Bible daily.... Then I turned back to eating disorders, self harm, and thinking that others would be better off if I was not here. Slowly these things became not enough... I started feeling so alone, so I turned back to my online boyfriend for love. He became very emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive. Which only led me to hating myself even more. It made me close down and made me feel not worthy.
I continued down that path, stopped talking to my online boyfriend... And then turned to dating sites. After being hurt by multiple guys emotionally and mentally... I just continued to struggle with relationships, self harm, and feeling unloved and unworthy.
Struggle after struggle entered my life, with really only about a couple of my closest friends who knew about it. I started making up excuses about not going to church... For about 3-4 months during treatments I was able to get out of going to church due to "me not feeling well". During this time, I just was so angry at God and did not want anything to do with Him. Like how could such an amazing God allow me to go through all of this crap. It was like He just kept throwing one thing after another at me.
After months of falling away from God... One Sunday morning, my biological brother and one of my best friend's encouraged me to go to church. I really did not want to go to church, but I took up the challenge to go. God really used that Sunday to encourage me. That week that I went back to church, was a young woman from our church that shared her amazing testimony about how Jesus saved her.
Recommitting my Life to Christ:
That day (Sunday- January 27th, 2019), God really got a hold of my heart again... He showed me how amazing He really is. How He can take crazy situations and for them to turn out amazing for His glory. God really has helped me to realize through all of this... Through all the bulling issues, through loses of friendships, through, health struggles, through family issues, through self harm, through every situation... He is in control and He can help me through everything. He has a purpose for every single thing that has happened in my life up until now and whatever happens in the future. Yes, of course some times things are crazy scary... Some times we do not know what the results to something is... However, I do know who does know the results... And that is God. He knows every single little detail. So yes, some days are so hard... Some days, I feel like I cannot continue... But I know that I am going to continue. I am going to continue to trust God and shine for Him. This is my Story that God is writing and I hope that all of it will glorify Him and point to Him. I pray that this can encourage you. This story is not over yet, and I am going to keep allowing Him to write it.
So sorry that it has been so long since the last time I have posted. I have been very busy with my health, with relationships, and with school. Also, I was praying and trying to figure out what I had wanted to write about next on my blog. After much prayer and asking around, I decided to write about my testimony. A few people know my testimony, but I have not shared it with many people. God put it on my heart to share with those who are reading this and I hope that it will encourage you. God has been doing a great work and continues to do a great work through me. Please be warned some of what I share is graphic and a lot of information. I pray that God would bless you and encourage you as you read my story and journey.
My Life Before Christ:
Growing up I grew up in a Christian home where I attended church weekly with my family. I was very rebellious growing up. Honestly, I just went through the motions, but I did not have a relationship with Christ. Let's be real, I could not wait to go to church weekly to spend time with my friends. During the sermons, all I remember was goofing off with my brother and friends. Everything mainly went in one ear and out the other. I did not enjoy anything about church except for the friendships I had. Some time when I was in Middle School, we had left our church due to some issues going on there. So my parents prayed hard about it and we went looking for another church family. We got down to two different churches and we did not know which one to stay at. 4 out of 5 our family members wanted to join a church in Riverside. And I wanted to join the other church that was closer to our house in Murrieta because I had more friends there. The church in Riverside I had no friends there and I did not want to have to make new ones. After my parents constantly praying about it, they decided to make the church in Riverside our new home church. After a few months of being there, God started to really work on my heart. I started actually listening to sermons and really enjoying church.
How Christ Opened my Eyes:
When I first started high school my mom and I joined a Bright Lights group (Bible Study), with some friends and their moms. One of the weeks, a young woman named, Becca. She shared her testimony and how the Lord grabbed her heart. Her life before Christ was so much like mine and God really opened my eyes. That night after the Bible study, I came home, sat my parents down and told my parents that I wanted to accept Christ into my heart. That night (November 15th, 2011), I accepted Christ into my heart.
My Life since Turning to Christ:
Throughout high school, I got really close to Christ. I was very extroverted and always wanting to do things with friends. However, in the middle of High School I really struggled. In my Sophomore year of High School, I was taking a class outside of my house with some of my closest friends. Some of my closest guy friends turned on me and started bullying me about my weight and my appearance. That was one of the hardest things that I had went through at this point. Some people that I was really close to, just turning against me randomly. We met with these young men and their parents and the guys denied ever hurting me, which was really hard. We decided to stay friends with these individuals, but slowly our friendships pretty much ended. The bullying did not stop... So after much prayer and consideration, we had dropped the class for my 5th year there.
Then my senior year of High School came and I just kept pressing on and trying to grow my relationship with the Lord. As I was finishing up High School, I had been experiencing being cyberbullied by a friend and his friends. On top of that, I got into an online relationship with a guy that my parents found out about after months of me and the guy talking... And I got in huge trouble. And then shortly after that, I dealt with a very close relative of mine being emotionally abusive to me and being very nasty on me. These things took a huge toll on my emotions and my way of thinking. I was trying to stay strong and not make a big deal about it. So I tried hiding the fact that I was really hurting. My hurt turned to raging anger on the inside and then manifested outwardly... I became very nasty to my immediate family and would isolate myself. During this time, I struggled with trusting God. And I also, during this time became a huge germaphobe. While I struggled with all of this, instead of running to others for help... I did the opposite and closed up. Because I did not lean on Christ and other during this time, I really struggled... After all of this going on, I started self harming myself. After awhile, my parents found out and had me start going to counseling for a few different things. Counseling really helped me... But I still struggled.. But I was doing a lot better. After awhile of counseling, I stopped for a little bit. Then came New Years Eve of 2015. We were about to enter the New Year and then everything hit me that night. I became so emotional and I had told a few friends that I had wanted to die. I told my friends not to tell anyone, but because we were young... Of course, my friend told their mom and they contacted my parents. When my parents confronted me, I was very angry at first with them and just closed up even more and then self harmed more. I started going back to counseling again and started really growing and working on myself.
Summer of 2016, I graduated from High School. And on July 24th, 2016 I got baptized. That was a great day. I was doing a lot better with my relationship with God. That Summer was really fun and very memorable. Then came Fall 2016, and I started my Freshman year of college at CBU. That was a crazy year, our family had moved from Murrieta to Riverside. That was a huge move for me, especially since all I knew was Murrieta. My first semester as a Freshman, I really had a bad relationship with my family and grew apart from them. At this time, I was in a low key relationship with a guy from my High School, but then one day after about a year of talking to him... He randomly left my life with no warning. That hurt me so badly. So I had become very secretive towards my family. I wanted to fill that void of feeling lonely with another relationship. I met a guy at CBU who was interested in talking to me, but I hid that from my family and met up with him on campus. Let's just say, I was almost raped by this guy and it became a huge Title IV issue. This situation really scared me and left me feeling even more alone than ever. I started going to two different counselors for this situation to help me heal and to help me grow closer to God during that time.
When the beginning of 2017 came around, my best friend of 8ish years we stopped being friends. This was very sudden and I did not think I would ever stop being friends with her. However, after all of that drama and after she had spread many rumors to some of my other friends (that I had lost in the midst of that), I was glad that God removed them all from my life. I saw that God had a better plan in opening up healthier friendships with other people. God had really saved me from being around some toxic friendships. During this time of losing some of my closest friends at the time, I did not have a good relationship with my parents at all and my relationships with my brothers was pretty crumby. After losing those friendships and struggling with family... I really struggled and hide from people again. I continued to self harm and just did not want to deal with any drama anymore. I just kept living in this craziness. During this time, I turned to one of my old online relationships. Things got really bad with him and it needed to be stopped. So I finally stopped talking to him. At this point, after all of this happened with friendships and stuff... I became VERY introverted.
Summer of 2017, I had the opportunity to go to Oklahoma for the first time to see my Biological brother, my Uncle and Aunt, and their family. It was so much fun and it really was a trip that made me grow in my relationship in the Lord. I was able to rethink how I was doing things back at home with my family. God really changed my heart. After that trip, I came back to California and continued in school, in my relationship with God and continued growing.
The beginning of 2018, God was really doing amazing things. He was growing some really amazing friendships in my life that had continually been drawing me closer to God. I was doing well in my year of college.
On February 3rd, 2018, came and little did I know that this was going to change my life. On this day, I woke up with some bumps that looked like hives on my legs. Shortly after, they did not look like hives any longer. These bumps started raising and looking really bad. My ankles started swelling and from my belly button down, my body started burning and it felt like someone was pouring bowling water on me. It became so painful over the next few days that I could not attend college classes. And then it got to the point where I was in so much pain I ended up in the ER. The Drs. did a ton of tests that night and by about 3am, they came to the conclusion that it was HSP (an Auto Immune disease). The Dr. told me that it could last from a couple of weeks up to a couple of months. So from February-the end of March, I was pretty much bed ridden and could barely walk. I was so bad that my mom had to help shower me, my brothers and dad had to help do my hair each day. My disease got so bad that even my hands were so swollen (I could barely hold a pencil or my phone at times). After missing a ton of classes due to my health, I had to Withdrawal from that school semester. At this point the Dr. told me to take it easy and he told me to be careful and that this disease can attack the kidneys. During this time, I really grew closer to God and kept looking to Him during this hard time.
At this time, I got back into contact with the relative that had before was very verbally abusive and I had decided to give her another chance in my life. After a little while of allowing her back into my life, she had gotten very abusive again and started telling me how much I did not matter and how much she self harms herself at the thought of me. And she told me that if I was the only person that she could live for, that she would kill herself because I was not worth it to her. After this happened, I was very hurt... So I had to remove her from my life until she decides to not be so nasty. It was not helping my in my life, so I had to do what was best for me.
At this same time, I really struggled with my relationship with my parents... So I had to continually try to be loving to them, while we were still not at the best place in our relationship.
During this time, I really struggled and I started struggling with a few eating disorders. I struggled a lot with how people and even close people to me continually mentioned things about my appearance and weight.. So I started starving myself or any time I would eat... I would throw that food up. After I realized that I would never be the size that I wanted even if I really tried... I started gorging myself and eating a ton. I hide this struggle from a lot of people. I hide it from my parents, a couple of my brothers, and everyone basically around me. After awhile of struggling with this, I shared with one of my best friends and my little biological brother. My little brother and one of my best friend's really helped me in this area of struggle and they helped keep me accountable for eating better.
When I got better from the HSP rash and swelling, I went back to working full time. While I started working, I started getting really bad lower back pain, throwing up a ton, and so many other symptoms... I did not think anything of it... I just continued working hard and always kept pushing through things. (Note: I have a very high pain tolerance, so when I complain about things... my parents know I am in REALLY bad pain). I started complaining to my parents about my pain, and then they told me that if the pain does not go away to go and see a Dr. Shortly after in the mid-Summer I had to have an eye Dr. appointment. Something I thought was not going to be a huge appointment, turned into a crazy appointment. The eye Dr. found saw a lot of inflammation behind the eye and got concerned... I got a brain MRI, lots of blood tests, etc. This led from one thing to another. Within the next few weeks, I had been to about five different dr.s (eye, joint, primary care, brain, and kidney Dr.) After many tests and results, I found out that I have IGA Nephropothy. (Stage 2 Kidney Disease).
After all of this, I really struggled... I started getting really angry at God. Because I found out that this is such a rare disease that they do not have any cures for it. So basically they were going to experiment different things on me. I was really angry with God. On the outside, I told people and my family that I was trusting God and looking to Him even through this health struggle. But really, I was very angry on the inside. I became so angry that I stopped praying and reading my Bible daily.... Then I turned back to eating disorders, self harm, and thinking that others would be better off if I was not here. Slowly these things became not enough... I started feeling so alone, so I turned back to my online boyfriend for love. He became very emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive. Which only led me to hating myself even more. It made me close down and made me feel not worthy.
I continued down that path, stopped talking to my online boyfriend... And then turned to dating sites. After being hurt by multiple guys emotionally and mentally... I just continued to struggle with relationships, self harm, and feeling unloved and unworthy.
Struggle after struggle entered my life, with really only about a couple of my closest friends who knew about it. I started making up excuses about not going to church... For about 3-4 months during treatments I was able to get out of going to church due to "me not feeling well". During this time, I just was so angry at God and did not want anything to do with Him. Like how could such an amazing God allow me to go through all of this crap. It was like He just kept throwing one thing after another at me.
After months of falling away from God... One Sunday morning, my biological brother and one of my best friend's encouraged me to go to church. I really did not want to go to church, but I took up the challenge to go. God really used that Sunday to encourage me. That week that I went back to church, was a young woman from our church that shared her amazing testimony about how Jesus saved her.
Recommitting my Life to Christ:
That day (Sunday- January 27th, 2019), God really got a hold of my heart again... He showed me how amazing He really is. How He can take crazy situations and for them to turn out amazing for His glory. God really has helped me to realize through all of this... Through all the bulling issues, through loses of friendships, through, health struggles, through family issues, through self harm, through every situation... He is in control and He can help me through everything. He has a purpose for every single thing that has happened in my life up until now and whatever happens in the future. Yes, of course some times things are crazy scary... Some times we do not know what the results to something is... However, I do know who does know the results... And that is God. He knows every single little detail. So yes, some days are so hard... Some days, I feel like I cannot continue... But I know that I am going to continue. I am going to continue to trust God and shine for Him. This is my Story that God is writing and I hope that all of it will glorify Him and point to Him. I pray that this can encourage you. This story is not over yet, and I am going to keep allowing Him to write it.
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