I'm Back

Hey everyone,
I am so sorry that I have disappeared from the blogging world for awhile. I have definitely missed being able to blog. My life has been super crazy busy! I thought that once school was finished for the Summer, that I would be able to start blogging a lot more... However, as you have seen I have not followed through with that plan (which makes me kind of sad). With all of that to say, with the rest of my Summer, I am hoping that I will be able to post more frequently. Here is a little update about what has been going on in my life since January! Enjoy!

Since January my life has been crazy busy. I took a full load of school, had four jobs, tried keeping my Spiritual life up, and trying to be able to still have a social life. Honestly it was very crazy with everything going on... Trying to get assignments done and making sure I went to work when I was scheduled and everything.
Let me tell you, it was quite an overwhelming semester. I think the reason it was so difficult was because I was trying to depend on my own strength rather than God's. It was super challenging!
I found myself so many times feeling super depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed. I felt alone, unworthy, and a huge failure. There were just so many things that hit me at once, and I thought I could take it all in at once, but I couldn't. Emotionally I felt drained... Physically I felt worn out... And Spiritually I felt dead.
I found myself super depressed and shutting my relationships out, to the point of isolation. When people would ask me how things were going on in my life, I would pretend my life was great (when really on the inside I was: hurting and in so much pain).
For about a month or two, I tried doing everything on my own... Let me tell you, that was the worst decision I ever made.
With the decision I made about doing everything on my own, here were some consequences of it:

• I shut everyone out and that pushed away some friendships.
• I felt even more alone than I ever did before.
• I became even more depressed (to the point of laying in my bed a ton not wanting to even get out of bed-- to physically not having the strength to pull myself out of bed).
• I felt that I was a burden to people and felt that I shouldn't have been alive.
• I thought that no guy would ever want to date me.
• I felt that I was a pain to my family and it would be easier for them if I wasn't around.
• I struggled with jealousy.
• I struggled BIG TIME with feeling BEYOND insecure (to the point of self-harm).
• I felt that no matter how much sleep I got, I felt like it was never enough.
• I was complaining about everything I was going through
• I was angry with God for allowing me to go through hard stuff (I didn't see how such a loving God could ever allow me to go through such a thing).

There are so many other consequences that I had by trying to do this all on my own... But there was a turning point.

I don't really know exactly everything that made me want to change... All I really know is the Lord did a huge thing for me. He really changed my heart.

I realized that I cannot do all this on my OWN strength... God wants me to be weak so that He can be strong for me through it. He wants me to lean on Him through everything. He wants me to Surrender my life to Him.

Honestly, the Lord used a couple friends to point this out to me. My friends may not think that what they said was going to be a huge impact on my life, however it was a huge blessing to be able to hear what they had to say. The Lord completely used them.

Yes, I am still going through hard trials, hardships, and challenges... However the Lord has been here every step of the way. Yes, I did push Him aside while going through this all, but the Lord has brought to my attention that I NEED HIM desperately through EVERYTHING.

A few days ago, I finally realized that I NEED God in everything I do. So I finally surrendered my life to Him. That doesn't mean I won't struggle or ever be down again. However, it does mean that I have seen that I have fallen and thought I could do it by myself... But now the Lord has showed me that I have fallen and that I need Him. The Lord picked me up and has put me on the right path now.

There is so much I want to talk about with everything that has gone on in the past and that is going on now in the present... However it is too much information to type out all at once.

I type out all of this to hopefully be an encouragement to those who read this. I want all that I say to honor and glorify the Lord.

I will keep updated my blog with different topics and I hope they will be an encouragement to you all.