Struggles of an Eating Disorder.
Hey everyone, I know I am up late writing this. I have been having thoughts just fly through my head about my eating disorder and thought that I could write it up for my blog. Honestly if you are reading this and have/had an eating disorder... I want you to know right now, you are not alone. Right now, I am going to give you some background of how I first started my eating disorder and then I will move into some encouragement of maybe some ideas of how you can get out of it. I hope that you find this post encouraging!
How my eating disorder started:
Back in the beginning of the year I lost a friendship that was very dear to me. I felt very insecure and felt that I couldn't fit in, even with some of the closest friends of mine. After I lost this dear friend of mine in my life, I had remembered all I went through during high school of being bullied by past close friends and then I had remembered the cyber bullying I went through. But especially after losing this friendship, I had felt that no matter who I was friends with or whos life I was in... no matter what... I felt that I couldn't fit in, that I was never good enough for anyone. I felt that I had to be someone who I wasn't. It just became a huge insecurity when I was around people. I felt that I was ugly, I felt fat... I didn't want to be seen the way I was. I felt that people just felt that they had to be in my life just because.
After I started feeding myself a ton of lies, the only thing I thought that would fix my problems was to either not live or that I would just not eat and that I would just starve myself.
I knew that not living was not a smart idea... So I started starving myself. But then the times I did eat, I would go into the restroom after and throw it up. It became really dangerous... Because I couldn't focus on much... I couldn't fully focus on school, work, family, friendships, etc. My health started declining little by little and I just kept feeling weaker and weaker.
I was feeling even worse about my body, and I just kept feeling even more and more worthless.
After a couple weeks of trying this... I finally decided that starving myself wasn't gonna help. I finally owned up to the fact that I would always be fat... So I went the opposite extreme and just started anything that was in front of me, to the point of me feeling so sick/full. After a few days of trying that... I would decide to jump back and forth with starving myself and then gorging myself.
Honestly, it was super unhealthy... It just made me more sick and made me gain even more weight and now at the end of it all, I feel worse than ever.
Recently, I have been trying to fight again both of these extremes and trying to have a balance of more healthy eating.
Some days it is extra hard... But I know that God will help me through all of this.
Some encouragement:
How my eating disorder started:
Back in the beginning of the year I lost a friendship that was very dear to me. I felt very insecure and felt that I couldn't fit in, even with some of the closest friends of mine. After I lost this dear friend of mine in my life, I had remembered all I went through during high school of being bullied by past close friends and then I had remembered the cyber bullying I went through. But especially after losing this friendship, I had felt that no matter who I was friends with or whos life I was in... no matter what... I felt that I couldn't fit in, that I was never good enough for anyone. I felt that I had to be someone who I wasn't. It just became a huge insecurity when I was around people. I felt that I was ugly, I felt fat... I didn't want to be seen the way I was. I felt that people just felt that they had to be in my life just because.
After I started feeding myself a ton of lies, the only thing I thought that would fix my problems was to either not live or that I would just not eat and that I would just starve myself.
I knew that not living was not a smart idea... So I started starving myself. But then the times I did eat, I would go into the restroom after and throw it up. It became really dangerous... Because I couldn't focus on much... I couldn't fully focus on school, work, family, friendships, etc. My health started declining little by little and I just kept feeling weaker and weaker.
I was feeling even worse about my body, and I just kept feeling even more and more worthless.
After a couple weeks of trying this... I finally decided that starving myself wasn't gonna help. I finally owned up to the fact that I would always be fat... So I went the opposite extreme and just started anything that was in front of me, to the point of me feeling so sick/full. After a few days of trying that... I would decide to jump back and forth with starving myself and then gorging myself.
Honestly, it was super unhealthy... It just made me more sick and made me gain even more weight and now at the end of it all, I feel worse than ever.
Recently, I have been trying to fight again both of these extremes and trying to have a balance of more healthy eating.
Some days it is extra hard... But I know that God will help me through all of this.
Some encouragement:
- yes, there are some days that I still struggle with eating... However God has definitely helped me through this a lot more.
- There are some days I wake up feeling completely insecure and not sure about myself... But I constantly have to remind myself that my identity is in Christ and not the numbers on the scale or the inches on my waist.
- Some days I get to the point of being super depressed about my body or want to fall into temptation with these eating disorders... But that is why you need someone to keep you accountable. I have a couple very close friends that have been here for me through every step of the way. They help me through the thick and thin, the smiles and the tears, and they help me with the ups and downs. No matter how late or early it is, I always know that I can go to these friends and they will be here for me. (Everyone needs accountability)
- Remember to cling to Christ through these struggles. He is the only true source of healing and He will be there every step of the way.
There are so many more things I can say about this topic, but it is getting late and I am running out of things to say right now. I will write more about this topic sometime soon.
I hope these are at least some thoughts that y'all can ponder.
I pray that I was able to encourage y'all in some way.
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