Living Life with a Longing Heart

The past few days have been a struggle for me. I have been stressed with loads of schoolwork, working 15+ hours a week, running errands, keeping up with my Spiritual Walk, trying to keep up with chores, working on my health, and still trying to keep a semi social life. It has been pretty insane to say the least. Lately, I have been having trouble sleeping because my mind seems to race at night and I just cannot ever seem to fall asleep. My memory has been very foggy and I feel like I am constantly losing my mind. I have been trying to stay on top of all that needs to get done, however it has been really challenging. I have been realizing that I have not made much time at all to relax and just breath. It has been difficult, because I have been having the most random breakdowns (which I hardly ever have). Just the last few days I have been randomly going about my day, and seconds later I find myself in a puddle of tears. Whether that means I am crying myself to sleep at night or rand...

Life has been insanely crazy! I am constantly just trying to get a breath of fresh air, but then I am constantly drowning in something else. With health issues, working 4-5 days a week, school, relationships, etc... I feel like I am barely able to keep up.  I just thought that I would update everyone! -since I have been on my first treatment, I have not had any kidney pain at all, I have not been waking up each morning sick, and I have more energy. However, with this treatment I have gained a ton of weight that I lost in the Summer, I have been depressed more, and emotionally I have been a wreck. It has been really difficult... Everywhere I go, I feel like I am being judged or looked down on for my body image. I feel like I look ugly, I feel disgusting knowing that I have gained weight, etc.  Honestly, the struggle is real... I have been finding myself not wanting to go out with people I know. I am terrified to go out with friends, because I feel like others look down on me...

As I lay in my bed tonight, my mind is racing. Racing with questions that are unanswered, racing with fears of the unknown, racing with worries about tomorrow. People keep telling me not to worry... People keep telling me to stay strong and cling to God.... People keep telling me that God has a purpose. Deep down, I know that God has a purpose... Deep down, I know that I should cling to God and not worry. But the reality right now is: I am trying to trust God. Some days are WAY better than others. Some days are full of joy and great news and other days are full of tears and worry. I am going to be completely honest right now... I have been doing a lot better in the last few weeks with trusting God with everything going on in my life. However, the last three days I have been worried, scared, isolating myself, feeling nervous about the unknown questions. Questions/thoughts running through my head the last few days and I am honestly really scared. Here are some of my questions/thoughts:...

Have you ever felt looked down on? Ignored? Felt like you were not enough for someone? Have you ever felt like you will always be judged by someone cause you do not meet their standards of a friend? Have you ever had someone in your life who was so picky about your life that it has made you hate yourself? Well if you are feeling these things, you are not alone. Almost daily I feel like people are looking down on me for one thing or another. Daily, I feel ignored by someone in one way or another. Daily, I feel that I am not enough for someone... Daily, I feel that I am being judged by someone because I do not meet their standards of what they think is what a friend should be like. -I am going to be completely honest, these feelings really stink. I really hate worrying about these things. I know that God wants me to only care what He thinks of me, I know that God wants me to only truly value His thoughts towards me... However it is hard. It is a daily battle for me. I am constantly fe...

Have you ever pondered having a relationship and wanting one so bad that you would do almost anything to be in a relationship? Have you ever pushed aside other close relationships to get one that you want with that right guy or girl? Have you ever procrastinated on a project just because you are thinking about the future dating life? Have you ever been jealous of other people around you being in a relationship and you are not in one? - If you have ever done any of this or have thought this way... Let me just tell you now, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  For those who know me personally, I have ALWAYS been obsessed with the dream of wanting to be a girlfriend/wife/mom. As long as I can remember, I was always pretending to be a girlfriend/wife/mom even though that was not the reality I lived. No, there is not anything wrong with dreaming of one day becoming these things. However, the problem begins when those titles become so important to you that you forget the titles (such as: sister/daug...

Good morning everyone, I am so sorry that I have been absent from blogging lately. Life has been crazy busy-- from Dr. Appointments, to ER visits, cleaning, a visit from my birth brother from Oklahoma, a visit from my best friend, starting treatments for my kidney disease, and now to starting school. I am finally back in school and on my daily routine now. I feel that my life has been semi back to normal now that everything is back in session. Some days are very frustrating and I feel fed up with everything going on in life... but then I am reminded that God has a purpose for everything that is happening in my life. I know that I talk about it a ton and how God has a purpose for everything... But it is something I can't say enough about. I know that I am just updating you guys right now about everything that is going on in my life. However the next posts are going to be about some more very specific topics of things that I have gone through and how I have gotten through them...