Weight/emotions

Life has been insanely crazy! I am constantly just trying to get a breath of fresh air, but then I am constantly drowning in something else. With health issues, working 4-5 days a week, school, relationships, etc... I feel like I am barely able to keep up. 

I just thought that I would update everyone! -since I have been on my first treatment, I have not had any kidney pain at all, I have not been waking up each morning sick, and I have more energy. However, with this treatment I have gained a ton of weight that I lost in the Summer, I have been depressed more, and emotionally I have been a wreck. It has been really difficult... Everywhere I go, I feel like I am being judged or looked down on for my body image. I feel like I look ugly, I feel disgusting knowing that I have gained weight, etc. 

Honestly, the struggle is real... I have been finding myself not wanting to go out with people I know. I am terrified to go out with friends, because I feel like others look down on me. I hate walking around the house, because I feel like the people around the house will look at me differently, I have not been wanting to go to church because I feel like others will look down on me for my appearance. This is honestly, one of the biggest things that I have struggled with on my treatment that I am on. The temptations of wanting to just stay locked up in my room and shut others out... that struggle is REAL! 

I wish it was not real... Others tell me to only care what God thinks of me. But lets be honest, that is not easy whatsoever. It is a daily battle that I am constantly facing and trying to figure out what I need to do. I try to not let this weight issue cripple me and make me fearful, but it has... It has crippled me so much that I do not even want to leave my house. 

I know that you may be reading this and thinking, Hannah just eat healthy and everything will be okay. Well sadly, that is not how it works for me. It is not just that simple. I am taking steroids, so just in general it is making me gain weight. 

I know that God will help me through this time. But right now, it is a daily struggle. It is a struggle that I am going to be facing for awhile and that I know I need to keep trusting God with. 

This is where I know God can help me, intervene, and give me peace.

I don't know exactly why I am writing this today... But I hope that if you are focused on your body image and you are struggling with it as well.. I hope that this could be an encouragement to you and I hope you know that you are not alone.