Hard Moments

As I lay in my bed tonight, my mind is racing. Racing with questions that are unanswered, racing with fears of the unknown, racing with worries about tomorrow. People keep telling me not to worry... People keep telling me to stay strong and cling to God.... People keep telling me that God has a purpose. Deep down, I know that God has a purpose... Deep down, I know that I should cling to God and not worry. But the reality right now is: I am trying to trust God. Some days are WAY better than others. Some days are full of joy and great news and other days are full of tears and worry.

I am going to be completely honest right now... I have been doing a lot better in the last few weeks with trusting God with everything going on in my life. However, the last three days I have been worried, scared, isolating myself, feeling nervous about the unknown questions. Questions/thoughts running through my head the last few days and I am honestly really scared. Here are some of my questions/thoughts:

• Will I ever be able to have the kids that I have always dreamed of having later on in life? 
• I feel fat and I hate that I am gaining weight from my steroids that I have to take.
• Am I going to lose all my hair? 
• Is a guy going to ever fall in love with me? 
• Am I going to be able to work? 
• Am I going to be able to finish school and have the job I want? 
• If I lose my hair, am I going to be so depressed that I will not want to see anyone?
• I feel that people look down on me for my body image.
• I can't measure up to the standards of a beautiful woman that I want to be. 
• Is something wrong with me? 

And the list goes on....

Honestly, I have NEVER been more scared in my life!

Deep down I do know that God has a plan and I keep trying to remember to continually be putting everything in His hands... However, I am really struggling to trust right now. I am really struggling with doubt and fears of the near future. It is finally all hitting me that these are possibilities that may happen in the near future.

I will keep pressing on even when it hurts, because I know I need too. But that does not change the fact of my feelings right now. Do not get me wrong, I have learned a ton through all of these issues that are going on in my life. I honestly would not change it for the world, because I know that God has been teaching me a ton through this... However, some days are more challenging than others. I will keep seeking God even in the hard moments.