Living Life with a Longing Heart

The last year that I have been going through some really huge trails in my life... I have been pushing God away. I have been running away from Him. I felt so much silence from God even when I tried going to Him. I felt that maybe God did not care... So I stopped reaching out to God. I quite literally stiff armed God and kept Him at a very far distance. I went down a road of sin and just did not want to do anything with a God that felt silent. After months of not going to church, I went back... But did not really pay attention. I just went and put a thick mask on.  The last few weeks, I have realized that I was missing something. My life just did not feel right continually pushing God out of my life. I was having this longing heart to cling to my Father in Heaven, however I felt very lost and confused. I started asking some close friends questions about recommitting to God. And I expressed to them why I was scared and that I wanted God, but felt scared because of some doubting....

The last few days I had somethings happen that made me remember the hurt that I experienced from other people. I thought that I had moved on from the people that hurt me really bad the last few years... But then the last couple of days, I have been reminded that I am still not over the hurt. It has been very painful to remember the relatives that I have been hurt by and the friendships that I have been hurt by. It is hard when people spread rumors about you to other friends... It is hard when people do not care how others treat you... It is hard to live day to day with these people's voices in my head. I know that I should not let them control me, because they really do not know the real me. But it is for sure a hard thing to deal with and move on from. A few things that I have learned through this process is: 1. Even if someone is your relative, that does not mean that they will for sure be there for you and stick up for you. They may not care to realize that you are hurting. ...

This song is by, For King and Country... However, this cover is by The Cimorelli's. I love listening to their music. This song has been playing on repeat for the last few days though and has been a huge encouragement to me. Yes, there are other people who have been there for me as I have been going through a lot of things. However, God is the only one that will never fail you. He will always be there, even when others may be busy with other things. God is there through every thing that you go through. This is such a great encouragement to remember how powerful and amazing God is. Trust Him! Surrender your life to Him! He is there for you constantly and will never ever fail you.

As I sit here in tears laying in my bed I am pondering life. Constantly wondering when this emotional, mental, and physical pain is going to be over... It is constantly hurting. Some days I just get tired of holding the pain in. I want to be able to share it with someone and not feel like I am doing it completely alone. Most days, I get scared sharing with my closest friends... But then I have to remind myself that they are here for me and are going to be here to point me to Christ and be a shoulder to cry on. Yes, I am tired of this hurt. I am tired of always pretending that my life is fine when in reality it is not okay. Daily, I find myself clinging and leaning on God. Because I am reminded that God is always here for me even when my family has failed me or even when I feel like I am going through this pain alone.  Some days I want to be able to use my voice to share with others what is going on... But then I clam up and believe that people will just not believe me. It ...

On April 28th 2019 (almost three weeks ago), God had put a hardship in my life that hit all of a sudden. On the way to church that morning, I was driving with one of my best friend's and my younger brother. As we were on our way, we saw our friend and he had gotten into a terrible motorcycle accident right in front of our eyes. When the accident happened, I quickly had anxiety and tears flowed down my face as my whole body was shaking. After my younger brother guided me through pulling over to the side of the road to make sure our friend was, I hopped out of the car running into the middle of the street to see if  my friend was okay.  Many others stopped to make sure he was okay. The whole time I was on the scene my friend was unconscious... I had literally thought that I lost my friend right at that scene. After his family and the emergency response team was there, I left the scene with my friend and we headed into church. During worship, the whole time I was shaking,...

Good evening everyone, So sorry that it has been so long since the last time I have posted. I have been very busy with my health, with relationships, and with school. Also, I was praying and trying to figure out what I had wanted to write about next on my blog. After much prayer and asking around, I decided to write about my testimony. A few people know my testimony, but I have not shared it with many people. God put it on my heart to share with those who are reading this and I hope that it will encourage you. God has been doing a great work and continues to do a great work through me. Please be warned some of what I share is graphic and a lot of information. I pray that God would bless you and encourage you as you read my story and journey. My Life Before Christ: Growing up I grew up in a Christian home where I attended church weekly with my family. I was very rebellious growing up. Honestly, I just went through the motions, but I did not have a relationship with Christ. Let's...

Hey Y'all, Even though today is supposed to be really depressing for those who are not in relationships, I have not allowed that to stop my joy. Honestly, today I find myself joyful! Yeah, some days it is hard not being in a relationship and not knowing when a guy will fall in my path... However, I am not going to allow that to make me feel down and depressed. I have spent too much of my life already worrying about when that time will come in my life and being sad that others are in relationships and I am not. I am done with that... I am done with feeling frustrated about being single. Right now is an amazing time in my life where I get to learn more about who God wants me to be and where my identity should be. I am learning to be content being single, even when others are in relationships. Honestly, I have been learning a lot. I have been learning to continually trust God and surrender my life to Him. I have been learning to work on my friendships and to grow in those amazing fri...

A year ago (as of February 3rd), I came down with something that started my health journey that I never thought would happen to me. I came down with a rash/swelling that was very painful that prevented me from walking, showering myself, and I was pretty much bed ridden for about a month and a half. This health stuff prevented me from finishing my Sophomore year of college and I had to wait until the Fall to join college again. After I was diagnosed with HSP (auto-immune disease), I allowed myself to start healing and taking off work and school for a little while. I was warned by Drs. to be careful because this disease could eventually attack my kidneys. So I was constantly watching out for my health. After that break, during the Summer I was able to start up work again. While I was working during the Summer, I started getting a ton of pain in my back to the point where it was getting hard to work. I continually pushed through and because I have a high pain tolerance... I just continued...

As I sit here sick to my stomach with anxiety and trying to get myself motivated to do school... I decided that I would hop on here and write a post. The last few months have been really tough emotionally, physically, Spiritually, and mentally. It's been a whirlwind of craziness from event to event. It has been insane living with a Kidney Disease that you do not know how you are going to feel the next hour. One hour I may feel fine where I can sit and enjoy people's company around me and the next moment I could be doubled over in pain. This has definitely been a hard journey for me. My mind and heart want to be completely back at the gym and working out a ton again, but I know that I need to start out slow so that I do not overwork myself and cause more health issues. Emotionally it's been really hard to keep up with school. I have no motivation right now and that has been really working against me. Spiritually I feel that sometimes God is distant. I keep trying to remind...