Living Life with a Longing Heart

Hey everyone,  I know that I have been MIA from blogging the last month and I apologize for that. It has been a crazy month. I have been going from Dr. to Dr. trying to figure out what is going on with my stage 3 kidney disease, trying to stay on top of my online schooling, trying to keep up with working 20+ hours a week, and just trying to stay up on my daily responsibilities. Every morning I wake up, it is definitely a battle trying to push myself out of bed each day to have enough energy to face each day.  On top of all of these things that have been going on, there has been a lot that has challenged my faith. This last month was very dark for me Spiritually and I want to be completely open and honest about it. I started questioning my Faith a ton and I was questioning if I really thought of myself as a Christian. These questions started coming up when I felt that God did not care about me or my health. I felt as if God was ignoring me, I felt that He was just throwing...

Some mornings I wake up completely frustrated and asking myself these questions: When these health issues will get better? When my life will slow down and I will not be so stressed? When will people not set such high expectations for me? When will I feel that I am not a failure? So many questions constantly roaming through my head and me feeling like I can never be good enough. Honestly, it has been a really rough few months. Waiting for Drs. to figure out what is wrong with me, people getting frustrated at me and telling me that I am not doing good enough, people telling me that I am ugly and not worth being a friend. School gets super busy and overwhelming, people calling me a failure, pretty much living in pain constantly with my disease, and so many other things. It has been a very difficult journey. Some days I just want this pain to disappear and then friends have to continually remind me that God has a plan for it. If we are being honest, even when people tell me that God has ...

A few weeks ago I was supposed to find out my second treatment for my Kidney Disease that I have. After many Dr. appointments and continually waiting... I was starting to get really frustrated. Today, I started losing hope and I was getting really frustrated that I have been put on one of my treatments and not the other one that is supposed to work with the first treatment. I was getting down and discouraged for not having answers. Then I was continually reminded of a sermon that I listened to a month or two ago from one of my Pastor's. He was talking about how God only gives us the details that we need right now. If we knew everything that God had planned, then we would not want to go on this long journey... So we need to continually thank God for the details He has only provided for now.  As I was continuing through my day working and doing homework... I became really discouraged again. I reached out to my birth brother from Oklahoma and a few friends to ask for prayer for pat...

The past few days have been a struggle for me. I have been stressed with loads of schoolwork, working 15+ hours a week, running errands, keeping up with my Spiritual Walk, trying to keep up with chores, working on my health, and still trying to keep a semi social life. It has been pretty insane to say the least. Lately, I have been having trouble sleeping because my mind seems to race at night and I just cannot ever seem to fall asleep. My memory has been very foggy and I feel like I am constantly losing my mind. I have been trying to stay on top of all that needs to get done, however it has been really challenging. I have been realizing that I have not made much time at all to relax and just breath. It has been difficult, because I have been having the most random breakdowns (which I hardly ever have). Just the last few days I have been randomly going about my day, and seconds later I find myself in a puddle of tears. Whether that means I am crying myself to sleep at night or rand...

Life has been insanely crazy! I am constantly just trying to get a breath of fresh air, but then I am constantly drowning in something else. With health issues, working 4-5 days a week, school, relationships, etc... I feel like I am barely able to keep up.  I just thought that I would update everyone! -since I have been on my first treatment, I have not had any kidney pain at all, I have not been waking up each morning sick, and I have more energy. However, with this treatment I have gained a ton of weight that I lost in the Summer, I have been depressed more, and emotionally I have been a wreck. It has been really difficult... Everywhere I go, I feel like I am being judged or looked down on for my body image. I feel like I look ugly, I feel disgusting knowing that I have gained weight, etc.  Honestly, the struggle is real... I have been finding myself not wanting to go out with people I know. I am terrified to go out with friends, because I feel like others look down on me...

As I lay in my bed tonight, my mind is racing. Racing with questions that are unanswered, racing with fears of the unknown, racing with worries about tomorrow. People keep telling me not to worry... People keep telling me to stay strong and cling to God.... People keep telling me that God has a purpose. Deep down, I know that God has a purpose... Deep down, I know that I should cling to God and not worry. But the reality right now is: I am trying to trust God. Some days are WAY better than others. Some days are full of joy and great news and other days are full of tears and worry. I am going to be completely honest right now... I have been doing a lot better in the last few weeks with trusting God with everything going on in my life. However, the last three days I have been worried, scared, isolating myself, feeling nervous about the unknown questions. Questions/thoughts running through my head the last few days and I am honestly really scared. Here are some of my questions/thoughts:...

Have you ever felt looked down on? Ignored? Felt like you were not enough for someone? Have you ever felt like you will always be judged by someone cause you do not meet their standards of a friend? Have you ever had someone in your life who was so picky about your life that it has made you hate yourself? Well if you are feeling these things, you are not alone. Almost daily I feel like people are looking down on me for one thing or another. Daily, I feel ignored by someone in one way or another. Daily, I feel that I am not enough for someone... Daily, I feel that I am being judged by someone because I do not meet their standards of what they think is what a friend should be like. -I am going to be completely honest, these feelings really stink. I really hate worrying about these things. I know that God wants me to only care what He thinks of me, I know that God wants me to only truly value His thoughts towards me... However it is hard. It is a daily battle for me. I am constantly fe...

Have you ever pondered having a relationship and wanting one so bad that you would do almost anything to be in a relationship? Have you ever pushed aside other close relationships to get one that you want with that right guy or girl? Have you ever procrastinated on a project just because you are thinking about the future dating life? Have you ever been jealous of other people around you being in a relationship and you are not in one? - If you have ever done any of this or have thought this way... Let me just tell you now, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  For those who know me personally, I have ALWAYS been obsessed with the dream of wanting to be a girlfriend/wife/mom. As long as I can remember, I was always pretending to be a girlfriend/wife/mom even though that was not the reality I lived. No, there is not anything wrong with dreaming of one day becoming these things. However, the problem begins when those titles become so important to you that you forget the titles (such as: sister/daug...

Good morning everyone, I am so sorry that I have been absent from blogging lately. Life has been crazy busy-- from Dr. Appointments, to ER visits, cleaning, a visit from my birth brother from Oklahoma, a visit from my best friend, starting treatments for my kidney disease, and now to starting school. I am finally back in school and on my daily routine now. I feel that my life has been semi back to normal now that everything is back in session. Some days are very frustrating and I feel fed up with everything going on in life... but then I am reminded that God has a purpose for everything that is happening in my life. I know that I talk about it a ton and how God has a purpose for everything... But it is something I can't say enough about. I know that I am just updating you guys right now about everything that is going on in my life. However the next posts are going to be about some more very specific topics of things that I have gone through and how I have gotten through them...

The last few days I have been praying about whether or not to delete my last post on my blog. I realized that I was/have been struggling with my relationship with God. However, I came to the conclusion that I should keep my last post up. Yes, it is very blunt and honest... Yes, I was very confused and hurting... Though the whole thing happened and it has been really real. I am sharing this stuff with everyone so that you know that I am just going to be honest even when it hurts. I am going to be real and open with everyone.  Some people don't like when people are honest when they are struggling... However I personally think it is a good trait to have even though sometimes there is a negative effect.  Here is a little update... Even though I didn't straight up say it on my blog or to someone, this is what was going on: The past couple months, there has been nothing but trial after trial hitting me. To be completely honest, that has been really rough for me. I was prayi...

Waking up each morning in constant physical pain, the feelings of loneliness that surround me, the feeling of being Spiritually dead, feeling helpless in every situation, feeling frustrated with constant questions... This is my life right now.  Some people tell me to, "Run to God and just trust God."  I am going to be honest, when people tell me that, it makes me feel extremely helpless. It makes me feel even more alone. I feel like God isn't there. I feel that there is a constant silence right now. I am trying hard to trust God in all of these circumstances that I am facing daily. But then I feel like God isn't there. I feel like He just wants to keep giving me trial after trial without any reason.  I know that I need to trust God, I really do. I keep trying it, and it is really hard and almost seems impossible some days. But I am trying... Even when I feel like God doesn't care or that He is ignoring, I constantly try and push myself to trust and Surren...

Good evening everyone, If you think about it, I could use some prayer for wisdom right now. I am currently fighting some really bad allergies that are making me very sick. I have been trying to explain some of this to some individuals right now, and it is making it very hard to share my heart about the allergies and trying to work out the problem. With these allergies it has made me really sick and having trouble with asthma a ton and it has made it very exhausting to be at my house being busy and staying motivated. Please be praying as I deal with trying to figure out the best solution. I am praying that God would open or close doors to what needs to be done. I am currently in search of trying to find ways to earn money over the Summer. I am praying that God would open up doors for me to be able to get my own car and provide the money so I could own a car. Pray that God would open or close the door into finding a place for me to possibly live soonish. It has been really hard, but...

Good evening everyone, So sorry that I haven't written anything on my blog for awhile. I've have been extremely busy and distracted with a ton going on in my life lately. Life has been so crazy busy... However, today I had some time to write up some updates. There are going to be a few different things I update you all about... Enjoy! Health: Right now my health has been pretty bad. I have had lots of random pains in different places. I have been pretty concerned about my health and honestly don't know what the next step I need to take is. It is a lot to think and process right now. The pain at times is very unbearable and some things I know is not normal for my body. At the same time I don't like the Dr. I have right now... He has misdiagnosed me several times and has given me lots of medications that I have had bad reactions too. It has been really frustrating lately not knowing what is going on. Relationships with guys:  This has been a very difficult thing ...

Good afternoon everyone, As some of you may know, I just was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called: HSP. It has been a really long journey figuring this all out. At the end of January, our family got the flu that was going around and as everyone recovered, I continued having congestion, a really bad cough, and a really hard time breathing. On February 2nd I started developing a rash on my legs, my feet started swelling and a ton of other symptoms started happening. I was throwing up blood and was in pain all over. I wasn't able to talk or anything because I was so swollen. My hands started swelling so bad that I couldn't hold anything, I couldn't text, hold a pen, or do anything with my hands. I was taken to urgent care after a few days with these symptoms. It was very concerning, but the Dr. didn't know what it was. So they told me to see my primary care Dr. I saw my primary care Dr. the next day and he did not want to do anything about it. He just told me ...

Good afternoon everyone, I am sorry that I have been away for so long. I am planning on being on here as regularly as possible now. I am going to give an update in my next post, but for now I am going to go on a rant. Lately I have been going through tons of medical issues that have held me back from being able to do a ton. My life in the last month has changed so much and I feel like I am living a completely different life... Sometimes I love it and other times I really struggle with it. There are other struggles and challenges going on in my life that have made it very difficult for me to process life. Friendship struggles problems with family and struggling with my faith. Honestly everything going on has made me very vulnerable. With this blog, some may read it and think that I share too much. Honestly, I do share a lot in my blog posts, but this is a place that I feel like I can share my heart, show that I am not perfect, encourage others who may be going through similar things,...